not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
