there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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