Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
