i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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