ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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