Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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