I puked a lego.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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