I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
