Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
