Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
