saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
