Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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