laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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