Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
