Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
