I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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