omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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