guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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