dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
