Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
