fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
