Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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