i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
