oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
