Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
