This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
