sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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