She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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