I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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