i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
