one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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