I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
