why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
