There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
