I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
