I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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