I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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