So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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