Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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