dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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