I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
