You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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