She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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