check it out our google latitudes are spooning
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
where are my eyebrows?
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