I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
