The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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