So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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