she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
