Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
