literally had 100 drinks last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
