Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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