In America we eat man semen.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i think my cat just said my name.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
