Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
