I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
