I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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