Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
