Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
