Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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