I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
