How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
