its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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